Up until today I had written all my entries in the morning. Its 11:40 pm now and I’m about to go to sleep. The reason I’m writing so late today is that I was so angry all day I needed to settle down and think things over before taking a negative tone on this blog that I have made an effort to keep positive. I’ve thought it over and decided that I’m not interested in crafting a message or setting a tone on this blog, The truth is the truth and I’m just going to put it up here, for better of for worse.
I explained on an earlier entry that when I first became houseless I was angry. This is an understatement. I had no heat in my car, I was out of gas. I hardly talked to a single person in February. It was in the mid 20’s at night and I had the flu. I had convulsions and couldn’t sleep because it was cold and I was running a fever. I ran out of food and went several days without eating. I passed out a couple times. It was the first time I felt people hated me for no reason at all. Before I ran out of food I ate cans of beans that were literally frozen.
I have always tried to improve the world in some way. I always hoped I’d leave this place better than it was when I came in. I am compassionate and treat people with respect, even racist, sexist people. You can’t change people with hate.
On my way to the Library this morning I parked my car a block away and a guy came out of his house shaking his head at me and giving me the look I’m familiar with now, the vile hateful one. How can someone have a nice house, a nice car and a nice family and at the same lack any compassion whatsoever? Is it really that tough to have to look at my car for an hour? I lost my apartment and spent my entire savings on trying to start a business because I applied for all the jobs I could and nobody would hire me. All the materials I invested in are on top of my car. What other option do I have? I honestly don’t know what else to do. I can’t throw away everything I just invested in and give up on my dream.
I have been treated badly by my previous employer, my coworkers, my family and by the woman I loved. I don’t mean kind of badly, I mean the kind of bad that has had me contemplating suicide for the past four years. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, it takes more courage than I have. I ask myself why someone who has always tried to improve the world would be used and then cast out of society. I don’t have an answer.
So what I’m getting at here is that today I started to teeter. I walked away from the fight, which is not like me. I’m out of energy. I walk 8 to 13 miles a day and make about a dollar a mile most days. It takes hours to return cans most of the time. I’m trying to make marketing materials when I can. I am working about as hard as I did at the shipyard and I’m exhausted. I’ve tried to contact about 20 businesses and many local artists and only one business has responded saying I need to have non-profit status before they can grant me a free subscription to their product, a $40 value. No artist has ever responded to me. My ‘views per day’ on this blog have dropped back down to less than five and I have had no feedback, aside from the feedback from two close friends. The disapproval I got from the angry homeowner today nearly pushed me over the edge, but instead I just teetered all day.
I’m not making a threat when I say this, but how do these people not realize that when they walk out of their house to harass me I know know where they live. I literally have nothing to lose and for years I have prayed for death, but instead I struggle every day and endure pain. Don’t they realize they are putting their lives and property in extreme danger? I don’t feel they deserve the things they have if they are willing to kick people who are down and struggling to survive, and I’m just the guy who could snap and take it all away from them.
So that’s the truth. I have been a kind and loving person my entire life and suddenly I have days where I feel like I want to burn it all down. Maybe tomorrow I will be back to being positive. I work on it, but it’s not easy.
I will try and start the online store tomorrow. I’m going to a different library with a parking lot, so I don’t have to park by a bunch of assholes.
Thank you for reading and have a nice night.
